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Tip: This is the follow-up to my falling out story. If you haven't read the first part, just click here. You can then follow the link at the bottom of that entry to return here for Part 2. Don't worry, this is the last excruciatingly long entry, and they'll be short and sweet hereafter!
I had been encouraging Joe to return to playing the violin for a few months. He didn't have much free time, and his passion for tennis seemed to be occupying what leisure time he did have. At one time in August, he had considered bringing his violin back from Washington D.C. with him after visiting his brother, who was the violin's current custodian. He returned empty-handed though, and although I was disappointed, I certainly didn't let it show. I also felt that Joe was more interested in trying to assert his masculinity by playing tennis with gay hook-up buddies, and perhaps he found the hobby he wanted. Anyway, everyone must make their own decisions on how to manage hobbies and activities.
Our symphony's season was in full-swing, and I found a concert that Joe was sure to savor. Midori was performing as the guest violinist, playing Prokofiev's Violin Concerto #1. I showed Joe the program, and he was very interested. I offered to buy tickets for both of us to attend the Friday evening concert, and he happily agreed. Neither of us wanted to miss Midori, and I was very curious how she would handle Prokofiev's music. This would also give us more opportunity to bond, and as concerned as I was about Joe's lifestyle, I was hoping that he could develop some trust in me to the point where I can offer some intervention later on.
Friday rolled around, and Joe came home right on schedule. This was a rare trait that I always enjoyed about Joe: He was never late, and up to this point he was not flaky in the least. We changed into business casual dress, and I prepared some music for Joe to sample, particularly since he had not heard any part of the concerto yet. We left the house and arrived at Davies Symphony Hall in plenty of time. I could tell that Joe was already having a good time, and we anticipated the works that were on the program: Copland's Appalachian Spring, the Prokofiev concerto, and Dvorak's Symphony #8.
We seated ourselves in the 2nd Tier, and we chatted about things that have happened to each of this so far this year. He was making great conversation for the first time, and I connected with him well face-to-face. For the first time, the timid Joe that was my roommate seemed to retreat, and a more likable and confident personality replaced him. I attributed this to the environment; a hall filled with musicians, surrounded by great people with similar tastes in music.
The concert began, and after the Copland performance, Midori moved out to center stage and performed the Prokofiev Violin Concerto #1. Her playing was splendid of course, though she ran into some trouble in the second movement, which was a brisk scherzo. She didn't receive a standing ovation, and we tended to agree with the audience's reaction. We were both elated by the Dvorak performance and related to it well.
As we exited the main chamber, we talked more about the music and violin technique. As we moved downstairs, we were almost out the door when I asked Joe to join me for a minute in the gift shop, where I noticed a CD that I wanted to grab. While we were browsing the CDs, Joe looked over to the right and noticed Midori standing near a stair railing, signing autographs!
He proclaimed, "Ohhh, there's Midori! But I don't have anything for her to sign!"
I directed him to the rack where a few Midori CDs were on display, and he paid for one then moved toward her. She was slowly being led out by her small entourage, and it appeared that we had just missed her.
"Oh no, they're leaving..."
I prompted Joe, "This is your chance! You have to go up to her and ask her. She won't come to you!"
I was hoping this would be a quick lesson on being assertive, and he passed! He walked up to Midori, making eye contact with her. Joe asked for her autograph, and she smiled and happily obliged. She asked him his name (he forgot to state it when he first walked up to her), and she signed the CD sleeve notes. She met me momentarily and was then led away from the crowd.
I looked over at Joe, who was inspecting the autograph he just earned with a most amazing smile on his face. We then walked towards the exit, and he mentioned a few times that he couldn't believe he met Midori. He was absolutely glowing, and I felt that energy too. I had not seen Joe this happy since I met him, and this gave me a deep sense of satisfaction. The night was a success!
He mentioned to me how much he revered the evening, and later that night we did a few house chores together. I felt that we had crystallized our fledgling friendship, and with only two weeks before I moved out, I was relieved that I would depart as his friend with some memories to our names.
His friend Gerard was over several times that week, and they made more noise than usual when they were in Joe's room together, revealing to me (and the neighbors next to us) that Gerard wasn't here just to bake cookies! Gerard was well aware that Joe and I had spent a little time together, and I sensed a sudden competitive nature to his visits. I finally had to inform Joe about the noise and how it carries through the whole unit, even into the living room. He apologized and stated he wasn't aware that it was so obvious, especially since I didn't say anything. We laughed it off, as I claimed that I was letting him know mainly for the sake of the other two roommates who would be returning very soon. But just as clear as day, Gerard was now peeing on his territory. I shrugged this off as well, reminding myself that after all, I am dealing with college students here, and I may have been this way when I was his age too.
Over the past few weeks prior to this, I had noticed things that had not occured before that caught me unawares. Several times while I was outside in the rear watering the garden, as I would turn to face the house, I would see Joe watching me from inside his room through the window blinds, which were almost always closed, day and night. The first time I just ignored it, but the next two times, I saw him looking at me for more than just a moment, as if he wanted me to see him observing my motions in the garden. I also had an offbeat encounter once in the late evening, after I showered and changed into comfortable shorts and a shirt. Joe was standing just inside his doorway, peering at me as I walked toward the kitchen from my room. My eyes met his, and I sensed a familiar gaze that I had been trying to shrug off.
Was there an unspoken sexual tension between us? The answer is an obvious and unmistakable YES. It had been present for over one month. It added a level of complexity to what was already a dilemma, but I am very strict when it comes to roommate situations, and I would never disrespect the current state of our association. Furthermore, he was dating Gerard, but I soon found that to be of no consequence.
I discovered casually that Joe has suggestive profiles on nearly every gay hook-up site, including gay.com, downelink.com, fridae.com, dudesnude.com, manhunt.net, and at least four others which I won't disclose. Thus, I could not understand why Gerard would feel threatened by my bonding with Joe, as I assumed he already knew that Joe was hooking up with others on a regular basis. The possibilities were many, but it's too awkward to just walk up to Gerard and say, "Don't worry, Joe is just a roommate." I chose not to entertain the awkwardness at all, and I just ignored it.
I suggested that we clean the house thoroughly before the two roommates return, for several reasons, one of which was to allow Joe to create a good impression to the returning residents since he would be their roommates for the foreseeable future. We decided to clean on Thursday, three days before I was to move out. We also decided that decorating the lobby with streamers and flowers would make for a great homecoming for both of them. I found that the flower shop below my office would give me 0 worth of flowers for , and this would be ideal. We agreed to grab the flowers here, and perhaps show Joe my office while we were in the area.
Thursday rolled around, and Joe came home in a strange mood. He clearly wasn't looking forward to cleaning, and I can't blame him, for none of us really enjoy this dreaded task. But he was pouty, more than ever. I started some cheap conversation with him, then I led into the question: "Are you feeling ok today, or is there anything you want to chat about?" He nodded his head and said "I'm just tired, let's just get this over with."
He became even more fickle as we began cleaning, complaining about the vacuum cleaner, about the arrangements to pick up the flowers, and a few other petty things. I did not give into his mood at all, and actually I acted cheerful in hopes to turn him around. It was time to pick up the flowers, and he reluctantly joined me out on the street.
We grabbed the flowers and I showed him my office. He seemed calm in my office, and I just hoped he could stay that way for the rest of the evening. I wanted so much to pose the question about his drug use again while we waited for our flower arrangements, but I sensed that it would be very untactful to ask him in an unfamiliar setting like this. We grabbed the flowers, two radiant bouquets of exotic red, white, and yellow flowers. We marched back to the house, finished cleaning, then began decorating and arranging the flowers.
Joe enjoyed the decorating, and he mentioned that he never really decorated a room before with ribbons and streamers, but the end result was just right; very inviting but not too loud. The first roommate returned the next morning and just adored the work that we did! The same night, I arrived home, and shortly afterward Joe came in, alone. We found ourselves in the kitchen, and as we were chatting, he seemed detached and inattentive. I asked Joe about a local event, and he replied by mentioning that he thought he heard that the "Governor of San Francisco" might be attending.
I stated casually that it is the Mayor of San Francisco that may attend. I probably should not have corrected him, but he didn't seem upset. He nervously corrected himself.
I smiled at him with a hint of concern, and he responded by saying, "Sorry, I'm just drunk right now... Oh my God..."
He then left to join a few of his friends at a birthday party. The next day, I packed my meager belongings and prepared to move out. I spent most of the day at my office, and I returned in the evening. The female roommate was there and when I went to my room to finish packing and cleaning, I noticed that Joe had some company. As I began cleaning, the noise coming from Joe's room was as loud as ever, almost as if he forgot what I said before. There were groans, moans, and some bumping against the wall. This wall adjoins the kitchen, and when I was in the kitchen briefly, it made for a very unpleasing environment.
I became annoyed for several reasons. I did alert him to this level of noise before, and furthermore it was my last night in the house. I felt that Joe could have respected me a little more as a departing roommate (as well as the woman who had just returned). Joe and I had also agreed to redecorate the lobby again at 11:00, since most of the decor had fallen down and the last roommate would return tomorrow afternoon. It was 11:30, and the noise was still emanating from his room.
I finally had enough, and I walked out into the hall and knocked on Joe's door. I honestly didn't care who was "visiting" Joe in his room, and I wasn't sure whose head would pop out. After about one minute of shuffling and rustling, Joe opened the door and emerged. I informed him that I would appreciate my last evening to be peaceful, and that I could hear everything. I mentioned that the woman could surely hear the noises as well, since she was still awake. He apologized and said, "We'll turn it down."
Turn it down? I caught him off-guard, and I assumed he was trying to attribute the sex session to a cheesy B-movie on television. I realized quickly that I should not have knocked on the door while the all-too-familiar activities were happening. I simply walked away, unable to confront him on his sketchy behavior. I continued packing in my room, and about 10 minutes later, Joe and Gerard emerged from his room and left the apartment uneventfully.
He did not return the next morning, and I finished moving out. I was quite disappointed that Joe behaved in such a manner on my last night as a roommate, and I emailed him expressing this dissatisfaction. I sensed the friendship was quickly deteriorating, so I felt that it was time to be frank about his drug abuse.
I posed the question, asking what party drugs he is using, and whether he feels that he is losing control of his drug abuse. I clicked "Send." The response came 30 minutes later: Daniel:
Your constant observative and instrusive behavior, to the extent that you make medical suggestions to me, causes me concern. "Friends" do not passive aggressively attack their friends with suggestions of drug abuse. Over the past couple of weeks, you've also questioned me and the choices I've been making. Friendship is built on trust and your questioning of my answers does not exhibit this trust. The choices I make are my own. It is far to difficult for me to continue a relationship, in any capacity, with you due to how much work it is on my part. I cannot associate with people that don't trust me and constantly criticize the choices I make. You are not my Father and I do not wish to take on the role of being "taught" by you. I care not if you wish to beleive me about this evening's events or the previous evenings.
It is unfortunate that things had to end this way, but I refuse to be victim to circumstance any longer. I need not your advice, I need not your help, and I need not the pain of your friendship.
- Joe -
I have failed. More than anyone, I should have been able to influence his self-destructive lifestyle in some way or another, but I did not. I wasn't tactful enough, and as a result, the friendship all fell apart in a matter of 30 minutes. I was not able to warn him that severing a friendship has repercussions and consequences that he doesn't realize at the moment, but are now beginning to surface. With someone as volatile as this, I normally just forget about the whole situation and move on to bond with others, albeit a little more cautious than before.
But in this case, I cannot stop worrying about Joe. I feel that drugs have once again stolen from me a friend that could have become a dear companion, and I can no longer do anything to affect his life for the better. It is a sad story: A doctoral candidate becoming overwhelmed by life and resorting to drugs to deal with each day, until the inevitable breakdown occurs. I am frustrated that his other acquaintances are not intervening, and I know it's possible that many of them abuse drugs as well. For this reason, I refuse to refer to these people as his "friends."
I spotted him several times in the neighborhood since this turn of events. He did not look healthy, and he was literally sending out distress signals. But it is now out of my hands. It is true that no good deed goes unpunished.
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It was a noble effort...
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by Jon |
posted December 1st, 2005 around 03:40 AM
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What a vivid story. Thanks for sharing it. This is Jon. Work is still great at Discovery. Saw Fidelio the other night with the G/F. It was AWESOME! Beautiful music. I hope you job interview went well. Will send you an Evite for a party soon (housewarming!). I bought a condo in Richmond. It's a beaut.
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by vanguard.typepad.com |
posted November 3rd, 2005 around 02:21 PM
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Insert Comment Here
OK...couple of things here: 1) He is young, and dating a twenty year old makes me think that perhaps he is even younger mentally than he is physically. I know there are some mature twenty year olds, but based on the guy's behavior, he was not one of the mature ones. 2) Because there was some sexual tension, maybe a part of the problem was one of unrequited interest. His odd behavior days before your departure may have been one of frustration over the looming end of his chance to hook up with you. Maybe he had seen the concert night as an actual date and had hoped for the possibility of more. Obviously Gerard saw it as that and hence had to mark his territory soon after. 3) If he indeed was into drugs, my experience with patients is that they need to find their rock bottom. They need to be willing to accept that they have a problem, and if they're not, having an acquaintance tell insinuate that they have a problem can seem intrusive. Only when recognition of hitting rock bottom coincides with the aid of someone less than family of extremely close friends does this usually go over well. He obviously hadn't hit rock bottom. 4) You did what you could, and that's all you can do. Unfortunately, Samaritans frequently go unrewarded.
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Xanga Comments
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by Konzertmeister |
posted November 3rd, 2005 around 09:08 AM
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| |  HAPPY HALLOWEEN! |
| |  that's a really depressing story! Its really too bad to hear about him going downhill like that. Maybe someday he'll come around and maybe you'll find out that you were a part of it. |
| |  That sort of touches a nerve for me, having seen a downward spiral close-up in a close family memer and had some experience with one myself (depression, not drugs, in both cases, but a lot of the principles are the same). I think we can take it on faith that you know the signs of drug use getting out of control and that your concern and effort was justified. But you can't save everyone and aren't obligated to anyone to try, really.
I can relate to "Joe"'s remark about not needing to be "taught" (although in my case I was right  —actually I was, but never mind), but he sounds like he has some hard choices ahead of him still. But he's an adult and his decision, for whatever reason, not to avail himself of support you might have been, is exactly that.
I see what you mean about the disappointment. A lot of people come and go through our lives, most of those relationships are superficial or worse, some less so, and if you're lucky a precious few become really enriching. (And gays have to go farther to find their tribe to begin with.) It's kind of a shame when the circumstances "Joe" thinks he's on top of get in the way. Hopefully he does have someone he can turn to when he's ready for it (or is forced to get it). |
| |  Were you surprised by any of the things he wrote? If you were, then you did not know him well enough to attempt a drug abuse intervention. No doubt that your intentions are noble, but plenty of disasters have been caused by good intentions. **Sigh** It's a delicate and complicated operation, one that I doubt ordinary mortals such as us have the technical know-how to pull off. |
| |  You did what you could. |
| |  wow that's quite a story, daniel. but it's pretty common for a person facing substance abuse to lash out at the one who points out his problem to him. if he really is a drug abuser, his life must be pretty nightmarish. i guess if u feel u really cherish whatever friendship u have with him, then probably keep an eye out on him but from a distance.... perhaps when he really desires help, you may approach him again.
all the best, buddy. i believe you did what you thought was right. and whatever the outcome, you did your best. |
| |  mmm....thats not fun at all but you did your best!....Btw, yes that was my only halloween party I'm too old to play everywhere. |
| |  You and I still need to talk sometime. They say in the universe "nothing is either created or destroyed" your friendship still exsist it's just tampered with by the influence of drugs. The noise thing is inappropriate *forgive my spelling* I admit i have times when i was ...umm...LOUD and my roomates heard me. But we had that understanding but always try to respect that cause it would probably make them uncomfortable. But letting him know that you worry about his use of drugs is a good thing but that is all you can do. Drugs did not ruin the friendship, Joe is the one who needs to know that it's time to stop. Some people are smart and will realize it's out of hand and some people learn the hard way. I've seen drugs wreck a couple of friendships but i'm still there for those people. BIG HUGS. hope you had a happy halloween. |
| |  hmm - yeah, he WAS inconsiderate with the noise thing, but I think that maybe you were a bit 'superior', and Father-figure-like. Kids want mates, not judgemental housemates..... |
| |  Great story...What about his education? Did he continues with his Ph.D?
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| |  Running off to work - but wanted to say that I am excited to see your halloween pictures. |
| |  I wish I could say I've had the same thing happen to me in order to sympathize with you but I can't. But I can say that I know what it's like to have the 'noise' issue. One thing that I've learned about trying to change a person is that they have to want that change as well and if one person is trying to act like the father/mother the other will only see it as trying to control him/her. I still haven't found a good way to approach friends about things like this it always makes friends go sour even though you have their best interests at heart. |
| |  ryc: mmm, I'm more a fan of astrophysics than astronomy.  And no, I didn't know about the New Horizons probe. I'll have to google it. Thanks. |
| | You did all that you could...the next move is his. |
| |  I'm not sure why, after Joe's obvious disregard and disrespect, that you felt you had a potential friend on your hands. If he did eye you up and down a few times, that had nothing to do with friendship. Prokofiev excursion aside, it doesn't sound like he took any genuine interest in your trying to get close in the way you had in mind. (Poor Midori is so tiny; I always worry about her when she's surrounded by autograph hounds.) In San Francisco, guidance is challenged and so is wisdom, often simply because it's P.C. to defy all reason in the name of liberty and the pursuit of happiness. So you set an almost unachievable goal for yourself trying to move someone away from bad habits in a city full of enablers. |
| |  wow you type alot!!!
now i know why your xanganame is a blogging horse! |
| |  As you mentioned several times, he is a young man and one day he will open his eyes and realize that he can't continue living his life that way. Or, at least, one would hope. In the end it is his decision to respond to offers of assistance. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. |
| |  I think you did what you could as a friend...you can only hold their hands for so long..
ryc: haha small world! I have to ill will. I guess I was kinda asking for it the way I was dressed. lol. But I had a good time. |
| |  im not sure... i dont think i did =09.What were you wearing? =] |
| |  I think it would have been best just to stay out of it. He's an adult and is allowed to make the choices he wants to make, regardless of whether or not they agree with your values. Of course, he'll have to deal with whatever consequences that may arise because of such choices, but that doesn't concern you, either. A friend is only effective if his friend is receptive to intervention. *shrug* |
| |  Even though it's true that he's mature enough to look after himself - a task which he isn't doing very well - and he has the right to butt you out of his life, i still felt that his reply was quite hurting.. :(
well, i felt that you did what you had to do & you won't wrong at all.
oh ya, i heart Midori too~ :p |
| |  you did your best |
| |  Did you fall for Joe deep down? Or if he was not your roommate, would you date him at that point? |
| |  u r wise |
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