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I am just warm and fuzzy that many of you found yourselves in high spirits after reading my last few posts. A point to ponder is that there will always be forces against our control that work against our will, and while we attempt to improve ourselves and those important to us, tragedy will sometimes befall us. Our responsibility is to embrace these challenges and work through them for everyone's sake. Recently, I had an unfortunate rupture in friendship. At its surface, it's a rather sad story, but you'll soon realize that there are a few important messages, one of which is a message of hope. It's a long story, so I'm going to throw it at you in two parts.
I moved into a warm and spacious abode in the Castro neighborhood in early June, for a brief one-month sublet. I grabbed the room of one of the housemates who was traveling abroad, and I had already made acquaintance with the second. But I had not met the third, a mid-twenties Asian grad student who had just moved in as well. An hour after I moved in, he came to my room and introduced himself. I'm going to morph his name to "Joe" to respect his personal privacy. Joe was short, soft-spoken, clean-cut, and polite. He had a very timid yet friendly demeanor that I thought would make for an ideal housemate. Things were uneventful for about a week, and we only spoke once briefly about his coursework at his university.
The Revolving Door
Then, on that first Friday evening while I was alone in the living room watching some documentaries, the doorbell rang, and Joe emerged from his room and answered the door. I recognized the visitor that slipped through the front as a local guy who admired Asians— many many Asians, if you get the picture. They retreated toward the rear of the house into Joe's room, and it wasn't surprising to hear plenty of noises shortly afterward. I turned the television up a little, and about one hour later, the person slipped out. Later in the evening, Joe struck up a conversation with me, but of course neither of us brought up the subject of his sexual activity. I learned that he was a PhD candidate in his course of study, and that he was also a violinist. I found him to be interesting to talk to, even if he was a little timid, as I always enjoy meeting musicians and bonding with them.
The week afterward, this happened again, and this apparent revolving-door action continued for the remainder of my stay at the house. Although I was not around most of the time, I couldn't help but to notice this activity, particularly on Friday evenings. I just hoped that my new housemate was taking all necessary precautions to engage in safe sex at all times, but I never mentioned anything about it and just acted oblivious to his behavior.
I was about to move out, but our other housemate emailed me stating that he was leaving to Peru for a few months and asked me to sublet his room through the end of September. I enjoyed the house and agreed, somewhat reluctantly though. The new room was right next to Joe's, and I honestly wasn't sure what kind of household "activities" the summer would bring, especially in the late evenings while I would be trying to sleep. But I knew that I would enjoy maintaining the garden in the back (see the photo to the right), and this was also enticing.
Interestingly enough, when I moved into the new room, Joe's hook-ups stopped, and he eventually revealed that he was dating someone— a 20-year-old college kid. "Well, at least that's a start," I thought. That should make things at least a little more tranquil around the house. But either way, I couldn't really blame him, because after all when I was his age (around 26), I was probably twice as wild and "active" as he was! But regardless, respect for one's roommates should always be a priority when inviting men into the house for sex, and I am glad that he quickly became more sensitive to me as a roommate.
A Warming Up
As the weeks passed, Joe and I became well acquainted with one another, sharing many of the same interests, particularly programming, social networking websites, and classical music. I landed a job at Friendster, and he was always eager to hear of updates and new features that we were rolling out. Joe also eventually introduced me to the 20-year-old that he was dating (let's call him Gerard). This guy acts rather childish, and I found it difficult as a 35-year-old to even relate to him. He would sometimes enter the house with Joe, either high or tipsy, stumbling around, and acting rather goofy and uncouth. However, in contrast to Gerard, Joe always seemed sober and reserved.
Gerard turned 21 sometime in late July, and on that night, Gerard's very young friends joined him in Joe's room, making way too much noise for anyone's comfort at 2:30 in the morning! I did not mention anything that night, but the next morning, I started a pleasant conversation with Joe to see if he would bring it up voluntarily. He did, and he mentioned that he made them leave after a bit since they created a ruckus. That was good enough for me, and although he didn't apologize (and I didn't ask for it), at least he was mature enough to address it.
In August, Joe and I got to know even more about each other. We discussed science topics and sampled classical music on occasion. Since I worked at Friendster, we connected as friends through that website, and we read each other's profiles on other social networking sites. I discovered on another site that he made it very obvious that he dates around, particularly looking for dates who also play tennis. It was none of my business, but after all, he does publicly announce that he is into mixing sports with hook-ups, for the whole world to see. But still, I never mentioned it and kept out of that private area of his, slowly putting some distance from him for two reasons. First, as a general rule, a gay man should avoid bonding too closely with other gay housemates. Second, I generally set boundaries with men who are this sexually indiscriminate yet act so introverted.
A Painful Discovery
In addition, I noticed some personality traits in Joe beginning to surface. Majorly he would act calm and content, but often I sensed that he was disturbed and unhappy, even appearing overwhelmed on occasion. As I encouraged him to talk more about the events in his life, I discovered that he had been through a turbulent break-up less than two years ago. He also told me about a week in his life where everything seemed to go wrong and fall apart. By this time I had become concerned as a friend, and I wanted to ask him about his approach to drugs, and whether he has used them in the past. I was primarily worried about possible drug abuse since we are all WELL aware that drug use increases the likelihood of risky sexual behavior. By this time, I noticed that my views toward Joe were important to him, so I wasn't sure whether he would be truthful. I posed the question on drug use.
He responded very slowly, "Yeah, a few years ago I did, but now, not as much as I used to."
Thus, the problem surfaced right there before me. This was the first time I heard a cry for help in his voice, even if he did not intend it. He was in trouble, and I couldn't just cut him off coldheartedly. We had bonded with many common interests up to this point, and I did care about him. I now knew that drugs were an issue, and I was glad that I candidly observed his behavior and noticed the first warning signs of the downward spiral of drug abuse. Of course I could not confirm a major drug problem, and it was just a perceived situation at that point. But personally, I was almost convinced that my new friend was becoming a victim to the sketchy scene of substance abuse in this crazy city of ours.
The Dilemma
This was a precarious situation for me. I know that drug abuse is common in the younger gay scene, but this guy was a PhD candidate for shit sake! His workload was already quite heavy, and it was about to increase with the start of a new semester. I had a full-time job, unable to spend any time with him other than to strike up some small talk, and I was not deep enough into a friendship with him to start lending advice. The young Gerard that he was dating was clearly not offering any kind of remedy to Joe's current state, and it was possible that Gerard may even be exacerbating the situation with his own social decisions toward drugs, alcohol, and sex.
Several weeks later, I was laid off and returned to my own consulting business once again. This also gave me more personal time, and I quickly realized a way to ease into a stronger friendship with Joe and comfortably confirm the problems that I perceived. Then I could move on to the next step once I discovered how mild or how bad the problem was. It was September 10th, less than one month before my sublet ran out.
To be continued... A Falling Out, Part Two: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
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All Xanga Comments
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by Da Webmaster |
posted October 31st, 2005 around 07:18 PM
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| |  dude, i need some good advice about something...! |
| |  WOW! this is an intense entry my friend. i'd like to comment on this but would rather chat with you if that's cool. if you are on yahoo or msn i am as well. oh just a tid bit of info i think the term ur lookin for for joe's friend is Rice Queen "tee hee" i'm sure loeki will tell you that too. HUH!
Mikey B |
| |  hm interesting... pretty long post. well I had the attention enough to read part of it hehe.
Hmm, nah I dont use illustrator at all, I dont think it would be very usefull to me since I don't work with vectors. Although ive been looking to get my paws on Painter. *drools* |
| |  wonderfully written!
oh my... i do hope part 2 ends well. :) |
| |  Cant wait for part 2...:)
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| |  Wow...this is like something out of a tv show.
Props to you for caring about Joe and trying to help him with his drug problem.
Sorry to hear about you being laid off from Friendster. |
| |  Hmm... drug problems. There's never a happy ending in this kind of story. |
| |  a powerful entry. I look forward to reading your next one. |
| |  Hey thanks alot for the comment back you are so nice well i hope ur having a great day!!!!!
Take Care
Kat |
| |  Interesting post, very long, but interesting. I feel velcome now. Thx. Nice pic.
>hm34< |
| |  Thanks for the comment :) I don't like just saying that and being boring when someone new comments, so I generally read a post or two and comment on that... but oh boy. lol. I believe I have ADD so, it was definitely amazing that I got through this, just for the length. Take no offense, I just get intimidated from long entries and I usually don't read them. However, I liked this, and for some reason... it made me very happy that I have made the choices I have so far in life. I think you're completely right about the popularity of drugs in young gay men, and I personally think it's absurd and pathetic. I don't judge people for what they do, but I try to learn from people's mistakes and try to live logically and safe. Anyway, didn't mean to write a long comment ;P Just wanted to say thanks for yours. Have a good one
~Robbie |
| |  Part 2! No good deed goes unpunished I can only imagine what's going to happen next. |
| |  Hey, you've always been on!!!! |
| |  Oh I absolutely feel that myspace has much better blogs and such. I think xanga is more focused solely on blogging but it doesn't appear to have the "fan base" that myspace does. I definitely think you should open one and let me know!! I would certainly help you get set up. Have a good one!
-M. Ians |
| |  OMG that story is amazing. You're such a great writer, I can't wait for the next part! |
| |  Oh, I didn't realize you had been laid off from Friendster. 
I'm very curious to find out how this story ends. |
| |  First of all....do you want me to die?...thats a crazy long entry, too much read!...now....drugs completely sucks, why ppl take them....mmmm...ppl has no self esteem! |
| |  woah... drugs eh? it's scary. hope Joe gets better. he seemed to be a good person overall, he shouldn't deserve being unwell.
working Friendster as in.. that website friendster?? oooh that's so cool, but poo! you dont work there anymore, ehe. |
| |  hmm - not sure if I like the tone of this entry, or where it seems to be going - I mean, yeah, some people lose that control ability - but then for other people to judge is a bit much - whats too much or a problem for one person is like water off a ducks back to someone else.And so what if he has random sex when he is single? |
| |  Now you have us on tenterhooks. I hope "Joe"'s ultimate circumstances can be called OK (for him), although your setup suggests the outcome will at least be ambiguous. |
| |  Looking forward to Part II. |
| |  warm and fuzzy?>?_<?? |
| |  I don't know how you didn't mention the hook-ups, I would have teased him about it until he told me all the details.
And he sounds like a walking stereotype. Timid Gay Asian American doctoral candidate who does drugs and has marathon sex, is this a character from a Quentin Lee film?
In other news, have fun on halloween. |
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